Me to We Talk Podcast

Episode 17: Gaslighting Part I: Interview w/ Author Kristy Grabowski, PhD

March 07, 2020 Me to We Talk Podcast Season 1 Episode 17
Me to We Talk Podcast
Episode 17: Gaslighting Part I: Interview w/ Author Kristy Grabowski, PhD
Chapters
Me to We Talk Podcast
Episode 17: Gaslighting Part I: Interview w/ Author Kristy Grabowski, PhD
Mar 07, 2020 Season 1 Episode 17
Me to We Talk Podcast

Join Me to We Talk Podcast as we discuss the toxic relationship traits of "Gaslighting".  Find out the red flags before it's far too late!  Join us as we peel back layers, discover the twist and turns of psychological manipulation that cause even the strongest prey to doubt their own self-worth.  Don't allow yourself to be destabilized by their trickery, wining and dining!  Join Kristy Grabowski, PhD author of "Unstoppable: My Journey Through Narcissistic Abuse" provide insight through her personal testimony of why, if your dating this devilish trait then you should run like HELL!  Download and Subscribe TODAY by texting "MetoWeTalk" to "22828" today!

Me to We Talk Podcast presents The Truth Serum Series! Address Godly relationship issues and topics not normally discussed in church settings...but should! Join Elders Conell & Rhonda Hollins as they speak the Truth, The Whole Truth and nothing but the Truth...So Help Me God.  Available for Free download! Check us out at https://metowetalk.com and join our blog...TheTalk of the Town at https://metotalk.com/blog-2/ to get the latest topics up for discussion on the Me to We Talk Podcast! Join us on air! Contact us at https://metowetalk.com/contact/ we would love to hear your perspective and talk with you live during our podcast! Listen, and let the truth set you free! Thank
you for your support!

Support the show (http://paypal.me/metowetalk)

Support the show (http://paypal.me/metowetalk)

Show Notes Transcript

Join Me to We Talk Podcast as we discuss the toxic relationship traits of "Gaslighting".  Find out the red flags before it's far too late!  Join us as we peel back layers, discover the twist and turns of psychological manipulation that cause even the strongest prey to doubt their own self-worth.  Don't allow yourself to be destabilized by their trickery, wining and dining!  Join Kristy Grabowski, PhD author of "Unstoppable: My Journey Through Narcissistic Abuse" provide insight through her personal testimony of why, if your dating this devilish trait then you should run like HELL!  Download and Subscribe TODAY by texting "MetoWeTalk" to "22828" today!

Me to We Talk Podcast presents The Truth Serum Series! Address Godly relationship issues and topics not normally discussed in church settings...but should! Join Elders Conell & Rhonda Hollins as they speak the Truth, The Whole Truth and nothing but the Truth...So Help Me God.  Available for Free download! Check us out at https://metowetalk.com and join our blog...TheTalk of the Town at https://metotalk.com/blog-2/ to get the latest topics up for discussion on the Me to We Talk Podcast! Join us on air! Contact us at https://metowetalk.com/contact/ we would love to hear your perspective and talk with you live during our podcast! Listen, and let the truth set you free! Thank
you for your support!

Support the show (http://paypal.me/metowetalk)

Support the show (http://paypal.me/metowetalk)

spk_0:   0:04
Welcome, everybody. We are ready for you today. It is the middle We talk podcast. And yes, it's the truth serum. Siri's where we promised to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God, That's right. And we have an amazing topic for you all today. Are you ready? Thio here? What we're gonna be talking about? They are rounder. They came back to hear what we had to say. Okay, well, we shouldn't hold back. We've got a lot for you. And it's a great term, but not for everyone. Okay? And we're gonna be discussing a relationship status called gas lighting. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's a real phenomenon with a lot of relationships out there. And, you know, a lot of people have said to us like, what is gas lighting? What is gas lighting? And they think, Oh, when my gas light turns on No, we're not talking about that when you're driving in traffic. What is wrong? No, that's not it we're talking about. It's a form of psychological manipulation is what we're speaking off. And when you're thinking of it, you're saying, Hey, how does that bother me. How does that affect me on the regular basis? Well Ah, lot of times if someone is being gas lit, as we would like to say, OK, they don't always know that they are. You know, they don't know that they're a victim until it's far too late. And so let me give you guys a little bit of an example of what gas lighting is. It's when a person or group is covertly sown seeds of doubt, and it targets a specific individual, and it makes them question their own memory, their own perception, their judgment, it even it invokes them to have some type of cognitive dissonance. Okay, so it just is like, Did I have that belief? You know, Did I not have that believe contrary to who they are and makes them doubt core of who they are, and it changes their esteemed and provides Honestly, it gives him low self esteem, making them having some type of denial, causing them to move in this direction, and it literally destabilizes the victim. Wow. Totally off. So J yes, everything you just said. I just saw a movie about this. Stop it. Have you seen the Invisible Man. The preview with most That's basically what he's doing to her. Really, he's making her go crazy. He's making her go because he's still in her life. He said he killed herself, and then he's coming back to, like, the place where a firearm or yeah, to play with her mind and make everyone think that she's created instead of him. Well, that's a good example. Well, unfortunately, we know someone that has gone through this situation. Um, it's really bothered them in their life. But I want to tell you there is breakthrough. So we would love to talk about our very first guests, Christie. I mean, come on, girl. You got to tell everybody about what you went through and how you got out of it. We want to welcome you. Please come to the air. Christie.

spk_1:   2:57
Hello? Hello, everybody. Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm honored for this opportunity to share my story.

spk_0:   3:05
Yes. If you can please tell us a little bit about yourself. Is that okay?

spk_1:   3:10
Absolutely. Thank you. So my name is Christy Grabowski, and I come from the Midwest born and raised in the Midwest. Ah, little bit about my background. I am an educated, professional, self sufficient independent. I received my doctorate. I'm an immunologist by training, so very educated. But even the educated ones succumb Thio Narcissistic abuse and gas lighting s. Oh, yes. I'm happy to be here today to talk with you both and to share my breakthrough.

spk_0:   3:44
Absolutely. We appreciate it. We thank you for telling us, you know, Would you say someone that is being gas lit or has experienced gaslighting use brought up narcissist, right? Why do those two words gas lighting and narcissists? Why do they run together? Why did they parallel?

spk_1:   4:01
In my experience, nurses are very controlling their mini ability of disrespectful. They're insensitive, and they just lack a total regard for anyone's feelings. Without any care for any consequence. They have no boundaries, and it is in their DNA myself being a scientist have to put the plug in for the little science term

spk_0:   4:21
DNA. It is in their

spk_1:   4:22
DNA to try in hide. The abuser tries to hide from the victim and cover up what they have done. Ah, they try to change the victim and control their prey. Ah, in many ways, it doesn't just have to be in physical sense. It's obviously in an emotional sense as well, on its very psychologically traumatizing for the victim and to your point. Rhonda victims don't realize what they're actually experiencing until either really late in the relationship or the aftermath, with the anxiety, the Depression, the PTSD that comes as a part of being minimized and Connell to your point. Ironically enough, I just saw that movie the other day

spk_0:   5:08
what's really yeah, and and find it to be very similar. I mean, I know it's a movie, but do you think that it kind of like highlighted some of the traits or, you know, characteristics

spk_1:   5:20
absolutely hands down. And one of the things that female the actress I forget Forgive me. I don't recall her name, but she the victim in that movie, she actually mentioned the term narcissistic sociopath, and I went with one of my girlfriends, and afterwards we were talking about it, and she, too, said, while this really hit home for me because I had a stalker 30 plus years ago, Wow, sad but very, very riel and true how rampant and how the volume, the number off people, men and women alike both. Nobody is is immune to another scientific term, but nobody's immune to being subject to narcissism. And if you are a victim, you don't realize it at the outset. But it becomes your reality. Just know that there is healing at the end of the narcissistic tunnel.

spk_0:   6:18
That's right. It iss e. I mean, you're hitting us. Um, great topics. But, you know, you said something earlier that made me think you know, you have everything. If you look at you on paper and when you look at you pictures of you just overall you've got it together, girl. Really? D'oh! Right. And so I guess I would ask. You know why this narcissistic person, this person that chose to guest, let you Why did they choose you? Do you think it's something common

spk_1:   6:47
that is a That's the $1,000,000 question. Ah, And in my research I discovered that narcissists don't pick quote unquote losers, if you will. And I hate that term. But they calculatingly selectively manipulative Li choose the strongest of the strong. The best of the best Those that are most capable because as a nurse's is their whole gain is to pick that strong independent, self sufficient professional person to make themselves look better to to build them. So in turn, what they end up doing is beating down emotionally, physically in whatever. Since they beat down their victim. There pray so that victim questions their very being an existence on Earth and doubts themselves. And also the victim depends solely on that narcissist, so that's the first part of it. The second part of it is, in essence, it's building that narcissist up for that sense of entitlement, that sense of power, nurses there never accountable for their actions. And they have to maintain that sense of entitlement and false sense of power for them to feel better about themselves. For them teen you feeling like they are above everybody else above God truly feel that they're above God.

spk_0:   8:12
Well, let's let you know they never will be no name. It will be a man to that. I'm in a total agreement that they will fall. I got a quick question. How early on did you notice the chaos as faras, the Narcissus started introverted into your life, but it wasn't from beginning. What was it like? A representative first and then like the Tennessee started to show themselves, and then they reverently progressed. What did it all kind of began? And when did you notice? That's good question.

spk_1:   8:38
Well, that's another excellent and very important question. So as a victim and not knowing about narcissistic traits or characteristics or behaviors, I didn't know that it was just that. But it happened at the outset that day, one on at the very beginning, I used the term stalking because hindsight's 2020 right? You look back on it, you reflect on it and you pray on it. And you think, Wow, this hole was this way from Day one stock to me on social media messages, private messages, texting. I asked for a phone call. Thio, hear a voice to talk to the person? No, I was told, No, I need to teach your patients and oh, no, the mystery of us, you know, unveiling this relationship of meeting in person. No, I know there was always an excuse why he couldn't give me what I needed or wanted or asked for. On it wasn't an outlandish request. I mean, I was asking to talk on the phone, so it was. It was that type of control. That was at the very beginning. On the quarter court first date, I was supposed to for my birthday, go out with a bunch of friends, girlfriends and in their spouses. Well, that somehow turned into Kim demanding to pick me up for that Ah first date to then go out with the group of people. And I thought you said and I thought about it. I was like, Wait a second. This can't be happening. I have plans already. How did this turn into a date,

spk_0:   10:08
right? Yeah. So it

spk_1:   10:11
was. It was that controlled from day one. And to your point, Kendall, it progressively got more aggressive and more apparent. And but then, at that point, I was already emotionally invested months into the relationship. I pride myself in my education in my career and being a great person and a person of faith and family oriented person and just all around loving, carrying, sincere, genuine, kind hearted woman. But the one piece of that puzzle of my life puzzle that was missing was I always struggled with high self esteem. So that was kind of at that stage in my life. I was looking for a family to call my own. I wanted to have Children. I wanted to get married. I had all the materialistic things I had the great career. I was climbing the corporate ladder. I was succeeding in every avenue except the family on. And so that, combined with always struggling with the self esteem portion of my life, was a recipe for disaster That was a perfect in for a narcissist.

spk_0:   11:17
No, you're right. We have a lot of couples. We have a lot of people that have come into our class setting as we told you before, and you know this from your research. But we have noticed that there are certain traits that they look for in a mate. And it goes both ways, not just male or female. However, your story is where there was a gentleman that you met. And my understanding is this is someone in the book that you have coming out. And I do want you to tell us about your book. But I want to go over some of the traits that we have noticed. One is the narcissist is looking for something that you have, right, So see their money, its power, its your position, your lifestyle or even your character collateral. Like he he loves how much or she loves, how much you are presented in front of other people. You you look like everything is so great and a necessary sometimes want to take that away, right? They want your gifts. Yeah, they want your gifts and your talents. And God assigns gifts and talents too. Certain people, because he knows who will do best with it. Obviously a narcissistic, a characteristic or they don't have that talent. What they do have is persuasion, okay? And they have changed persuasion, the gift of persuasion to change people to be stronger. They have used it to become manipulation by changing it to use it to weaken you. The other thing we've noticed is that they look for those who are care givers. You know, that Just have a care giver nature because they don't possess it themselves. And they would like to emotionally drink, almost like if it were, they were a vampire. You're the perfect candidate, right? They want to drain you of your emotional, you know, you know, blood bank in a sense. And take what you have. I mean, when they see that it's almost like a red light. They smell literally the blood in the water like a shark. And then the last thing that I would say that they are really looking for is if there is some type of dysfunction in your environment, the way that you grew up, or or if there is a dysfunction and maybe the way you even view yourself, they look at that and the attempt to latch on because they understand. You know, that you may have had certain things in your past of love or to be loved a certain way that you may ignore your gut instincts about them. Because this need to be loved, more will surpass, you know, you're you're normal understanding of them. Yeah, that's true. They know you'll let your guard down in that instance. Yeah, and that's how they get in and, you know, and then they look for those who are often looking, too. Accept blame for, you know, even things that they didn't even do because they can't be wrong. They have to keep making you feel like you're wrong, and that's part of breaking you down personally, and I don't know. Are you in agreement with these statements at all, Kristie, or am I off base?

spk_1:   14:01
No. You are absolutely on track, and I concur with everything you said and just give you some examples. The 1st 1 was the gift. And to speak to that I have a house of my own. I have a bank account. I am thing I have. You know that the tangible, materialistic things right? Because, as I have alluded to moments ago, I had all of those materialistic things. I was climbing the corporate ladder. I was moving forward, onward and upward in my life and handle of those things. And I saw I witnessed the transition from when we first started courting,

spk_0:   14:41
if you will

spk_1:   14:41
call it into the well into the relationship, the change that he made in his persona, his appearance, his physical appearance anywhere from the type of sunglasses or the designer shoes, too. And and interestingly enough, most of those changes occurred at the expense of my pocketbook. Whoa! And it was how he was so effective and great at portraying his sheer arrogance as confidence, or or portraying his narcissistic traits as sincerity. chivalry, genuine qualities, love all those wonderful true feelings and emotions were not sure they were not banded up not being true. Can you refresh my memory? On the 2nd 3rd points, there was a lot that you had said.

spk_0:   15:35
Yeah, yeah, we were talking about how sometimes they're they're looking for someone who's had dysfunction in their family life, just passion in their personal view of themselves,

spk_1:   15:45
right? That that, I would say, is absolutely possible. In my case, I grew up with a in a very loving, supportive home. My parents are very much still together, and we'll be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Yes, and they are wonderful, wonderful people, very loving, very supportive will give you the shirt off their back, but they're very also very protective of their young. So that wasn't the situation. In my case. If if anything, the nurses has picked out my lack of self esteem. So that's what he preyed

spk_0:   16:26
on. Well, first of all, you're beautiful. I mean, because it's the truth. We can't help it, you know, it's the truth. You're beautiful inside and out. So that is what attracted you know him to you. It's because you know, he recognized he didn't have the same beauty and degraded absorb yours and that's not fair. But I want to talk about what the Bible says about this, you know, because there's always something that comes back to people who do these. You know these things to individuals. But in first Thessalonians 46 it says, and that in this no matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sense as we told you and warned you before. And that's and first Thessalonians. He doesn't play with that. And in second Corinthians, it gets better. Kristy, listen to this. And no wonder for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So no, there was a disguise that was put on when it came Thio, you know, to you it was and then he tried to dampen her light. Yeah, he did. By trying to take over. That's exactly what he was trying to do. When you guys, you know, began your relationship, right? You know, I don't know how that started. I guess you, Chris, What did you meet him at? By chance Oh,

spk_1:   17:42
yeah. So we actually attended the same school together many, many years ago, and I knew of him. He obviously knew of me, but we never And we had some mutual friends, but never ran in the same circle. I was busy being a cheerleader and being the drum major of my marching band and being in a jazz band in sports athletics and and academics and running nonstop on. And he he was doing his thing, whatever that thing waas and so we never really connected or, you know, engaged in the kind of conversation or anything throughout the years on it. Was that Christy, I'm sorry

spk_0:   18:20
when you said that. I don't know why I have to ask you this question. So you didn't normally pay attention to him during when you guys were in school, but you guys went to school together. It is that correct, huh? So he had time to observe you for a while? Yes.

spk_1:   18:34
That's a fair assessment. Sure. Yeah. Ah, and it wasn't until a school reunion. I mean, I walked in, not expecting anything or knowing, you know, if anybody would remember anyone after 20 some years,

spk_0:   18:45
you know,

spk_1:   18:46
and I've changed quite a bit myself. I used I was a swimmer, so I had really sure I kept really short hair in school. It was easier that way, but I let my hair grow out and and I was always very athletic, and we're a lot of makeup on DSO now. I let my hair grout and I, you know, Don makeup, and I just kind of came into my own as a woman. And so I showed up the reunion and many people didn't even recognize me. And so then we were reminiscing and catching up on old times, and I just noticed it's like where I was. He seemed to be there, and it was after that that the private messages started coming in on Social Media on, and it was just more casual and and so that's when it'll kind of started. I think

spk_0:   19:34
I'm telling social media can be a curse on the gift at the same time. That's Ah, a lot of happened

spk_1:   19:40
Amen to that, right?

spk_0:   19:41
It can be. It can cause you to inadvertently allow people in. I have more questions. I have to know more stuff about Fitz. I'm sorry, Christy I mean, you have me hook, line and sinker. Yes. Do you have more that we can discuss? Is there more that we can talk about on this? Because I have to know. Okay. I got a

spk_1:   20:00
ton more of information and a lot more to share with you all. And I just Maybe you wanted to mention really quickly that hook, line and sinker. That is a catch phrase I used in my book.

spk_0:   20:12
Then that means you're coming back. Absolutely. Yes. Just to be clear, we actually purchased that book yesterday. Way.

spk_1:   20:21
My goodness. Oh, my goodness. Thank you.

spk_0:   20:24
Thank you. Amen. And thank you so much. And, Christy, we're gonna have you back on the show because there is a This is a party three Siri's interview because we could not just open this up and talk about one part of this. We have to pill back many layers to this onion, okay? And I'm gonna tell you the truth. Are we right? Christy, We're gonna tell him the truth,

spk_1:   20:47
the whole truth

spk_0:   20:48
and nothing, but also help me. God. Yes, I love it. I love it. Thank you, Father. We call that we're glad he were in control. So again, everyone, this is the meat away talk podcasts. And it is the truth serum Siri's. And we promised to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God. Alright, you for part two.